Reverb

when it rains it pours…but the sunshine after the storm is all worth it

i know very well that in order to gain something of great value it always takes a lot of hardships and constant effort. it’s funny how life is so balanced and unbalanced at the same time.

when it rains it pours. monday was hellish for me. anything that you think could have gone wrong..did. everything that could have gone right didn’t. i suppose things that happened could have been far worse. but hey…let’s not think about it that way.

yup after 6 years of a squeeky clean driving record..i finally got my first speeding ticket. 2 blocks from my house. at least the officer appreciated my upfront honesty and gave me a break. instead of being fined $180, i’m paying $115. still OUCH. but hey…i’m not about to complain about the break he gave me. yes it’s upsetting…and unfortunately that carried on to work with me…and unfortunately during work i had a call monitored at which i was assessed a call quality of 2.

you see if i maintained an average of 3 throughout my training..i’d receive a raise. i think that 2 may have caused me to dip below the 3 avg. OUCH.

so yes all in all that’s how my day on monday went…nothing i wanted to happen happened..and everything i didn’t want to happen happened. luckily mandy was around to mop up the crap i was dragging around…and knocked some sense into me…and it’s true.

i’m gonna stick through all this crap that i may think is going on..but it’s this crap that molds your character and prepares you for the best things in life…and that is something that is so difficult to understand when you’re going through it.

but like i said..i’m prepared to go for it..because the sunshine after the storm is always beautiful. and it never ceases to amaze me…i just have to be prepared to make it through the storm…if i haven’t already….

i’m glad everything is going well for everyone else around me though…and i’m happy for it…because the way life has it…it’s about time good things happen to those that have been patiently and persistantly wading through swampy times…now there’s no holding back…

things for me seem to be panning out just fine.

the first ever partial psycho-analysis of tim revealed to all the world.

i hate when i wake up in the morning and i realize that something is going to happen that is going to make me feel emotionally heavy. the funny thing is that whenever i get this feeling..something does happen.

and today? well it did. i had one of those talks with my parents…or actually they did with me. in fact it was merely 15 minutes ago. it’s still fresh in my mind and fresh to this page. you guys are privileged because normally i keep this shit to myself. but lately i’ve found happiness that’s changed the way i think about things. take things as they are and if you can’t handle me for me..i’m sorry. but this is as flawed and fucked as i get.

so it’s one the conversations that starts with my dad going…
“can i talk to you?”

and of course it interrupts what i’m doing….i’m on the phone and my dad acknowledges that…however i see the look in his eyes to get off the phone because it’s going to be important. i abruptly excuse myself from the conversation and go looking for my dad.

then it continues with “you’ve grown up now…and things are different, you’re more mature..and you’ve got your responsibilities…we need to talk”…

i won’t get into the details…but when things are fucked with family…and that’s the way things have always been it’s tough to be receptive to certain things. when all you’ve learned your whole life is to fend for yourself and find support from places other than your parents it makes certain subjects tough.

don’t get me wrong..my parents supported me in the physical way by providing shelter, food, and all that other stuff…but in terms of what people need in terms of emotional and psychological upbringing…i think i was left out to learn everything myself. granted most people are..but when the culture of your parents differ from the culture you’ve developed in..it’s rather tough to get that. you find it elsewhere.

regardless the talk pivoted on issues with my sister and me and the whole matrix of our family. unfortunately over the years our roles in our family have never been as brother / sister. i treat my sister like a best friend / mother because that’s the way the relationship was.

and that’s the way mandy and her mom are to me as well…yes sometimes when i’m at friends places i wish my parents were a little different. i know they’re trying but it’s tough because it’s a little late.

well tonights conversation ended in my mom in tears and i always hate seeing that…it still hurts regardless of who’s crying…it glazes you over with emotional heaviness. and it sucks.

some of you will call me morbid, but something i always tend to do afterwards is take a long shower and let the water run over my eyes…i keep em open and just watch as the droplets of water get caught in my eyelashes and get deposited in my eye and everything just blurs and burns. i only started doing this in recent years and the only reason i know i do it is..because it reminds me of the feeling i had after one of my car accidents…where i thought i was blind….then soon realized it was the gash in my head that was pouring blood down my face and blinding me.

i think that was some sort of pivotal moment in my life…both in the way i matured from that point on and how i reacted to emotional distress. that was my second accident i believe. after that point..i’ve been pretty cynical when it comes to hurt. i treat it like a gem. i idolize it when it comes and put it in a container where i think i can keep it hidden away.

but recently i met someone that made me realize it’s okay. it’s okay to let things fly free. to deal with things as they come. to be yourself and enjoy things as they are. to open up instead of locking down. it’s funny how you don’t even have to be told to be taught. words don’t need to be exchanged..but actions teach as well. watching someone interact positively with loved ones is a great way to learn how to do it yourself. one day soon i shall attempt to put into practice what i’ve observed….

cs lewis said it best…if you love anything …your heart will be twisted and possibly broken. so if you want to make sure that don’t happen..you can’t give it to anyone…not even a pet or ANYTHING. you have to carefully wrap it up, avoid getting it involved with anything and lock it down in selfishness. however when it’s locked down..it’ll still change…it’ll be unbroken..but it will become unbreakbable, non-penetrable, and you can never give that away anymore. you then realize that in order to love…you’ve got to be vulnerable…

i think it’s time i learn to let it go. gotta learn that you can’t get annoyed at someone for throwing away a folded paper flower, if they don’t know what it means to you. all in all i’m just glad that i got it back. that the conversation turned okay. and everything seems to be fine and dandy now…or so i’d like to think.

observations of late

so it’s been a while since i just blogged about the daily goings ons. it’s nearly been a week, i think it’s about time. so tomorrow shall be eric’s bday celebration. so we shall ensure that he has a more enjoyable time this year than he did last year. no more silly feats of seeing how many drinks you can pack down and topping it off with noodles and a cigarette. we all learned that wasn’t the best combination.

today? i learned that as much as i joke about getting my foot stuck in the railroad tracks and getting runned over by a train like in those melo-dramatic movies, with my luck…whilst kidding around i most likely will get my foot stuck at a most inoportune time.

yesterday? grandma’s are far too observant for their own good — as well they are allowed to pull out the age card for play. i learned many vital lessons from my grandma yesterday. first of all is to make sure your ear isn’t folded over when you go to bed on your side. another is cuz grandma knows when you’re lying..it doesn’t count as a lie (this one works in your favour believe it or not.) grandma is a jedi master who can manipulate your mind like a master baker does his dough. don’t bother trying to play games…grandma is 25 steps ahead of you..and by the time you get to being 26 steps ahead she’s already at 225 grown exponentially. just give up ….give up now!

the day before that? buttless chaps are all the rage. skunks are cute from afar. anita doesn’t clean up her stone blocks after she’s done playing with em. pumpkins bought in multiples of 3 at superstore are only 2.98 each.

well that’s about all i remember..cuz everything else sorta got forgotten once i closed my eyes and started dreaming. then everything i dreamt about was sorta forgotten the moment i awoke in a starry eyed daze…

regardless…this week isn’t over yet. anothe rtwo days..there will definitely be talk about tomorrow. i think i’ll be doing some nice photography tomorrow.

yes indeed i must.